Two Zero One: Envy

It's been a while since I've posted here, and I do apologise for that. I enjoy writing here, and I enjoy hearing from any ghosts out across the aether who might have anything constructive to say. But this year has not been a year where people talk about sex and romance. This is a year of political anger--- something I share, of course. But it's possible to hate the current American regime and all its vile right-wing supporters and still want to flirt and laugh and enjoy sex and romance. It's still possible to talk about the intricacies of sex and romance, to want to construct and live out fantasies. Or so I tell myself.

I am beset with JED again--- Jealousy Envy Depression. Mostly envy, I think. Envy is the most painful of the Seven Deadly Sins. Envy is the only one of the Deadly Sins that fails to make the sinner feel better while he's committing it. Even Anger has its moments of rage-exaltation. Envy only and ever makes the sinner feel worse.

Envy is my own Deadly Sin, the fault that I've never been able to escape. I'm not sure what exactly I want from it. The ability to tell good stories, certainly. The ability to amass stories that are as good as those other people have to tell. The belief that I'm as good as others. I certainly want those things, and Envy haunts me every day.

Let's consider a small story told me by a lovely blonde New Zealand girl---

If i wait til late in the night, i get lazy and just use a Lelo on my clit...if i have more time then yes - fingers in my ass, too... 

honestly...i was so fucking drunk, i didn't know what i was doing. i just needed to feel so full, i had a corona bottle in my cunt and fingers in my ass, i was alone and drunk and high and i came so hard, over and over. my sheets were a mess in the morning. but at the time, i needed it. i think i needed to prove i was all i needed, i could make myself feel everything i needed...

i filled up the corona bottle with water from the bathroom and sat drinking it, tasting my own cunt and rubbing my clit, even though i had just cum.

i remember that night so well...

I do envy her that story. It's powerful enough, and it makes a lovely fantasy vision. And there's no equivalent for anyone male. She has her selection of Lelo vibrators--- charges them via USB port on her iPad 2 ---and her Corona bottle, carefully cleaned and wrapped in silk in her bedroom dresser. There's no male equivalent for that. She's able to have powerful and shattering moments all on her own. There's no male way to experience anything like that, no male way to be able to give oneself the belief that you could make yourself "feel everything I needed". 

There's certainly no way for me to feel sexually self-sufficient--- or sexually equal to someone like her either in terms of sensations or experiences that can be the raw material for stories. 

She writes that  I have quite a few Lelo toys - and these come in nice, plain black boxes -- so i usually keep my toys in the little bags they come in, in the original boxes -- stacked at the back of my bedside drawer. I'm male, and a gentleman of a certain age and background. I can't say anything equivalent or have any of the same kinds of experiences. 

And I'm eaten up with Envy that my experiences will never be as good as anyone else's.