Three Five Nine: Repetition

 There's a question that's been haunting me lately. 

In its simplest form, it's this: how do you acquire fantasies? How do you create new fantasies? How do you re-program your dreams and desires?

There's the old Freudian term repetition compulsion, and it bothers me.  What do you do when you realize that your fantasies never really change, that you play out the same scenes over and over?

There may be some minor changes, some tweaks-- slightly different furniture, slightly different clothes, slightly different time of day. But that's all minor editing, no more than tweaks. I was brought up to be an academic, and I'm used to going back and polishing things I've written. A slight change in adjectives, a slight rearrangement of paragraphs, streamlining a sentence. But that's all minor, all in the service of telling a given story. The underlying story itself never changes.

These days there are a couple of ongoing fantasies that play out in my head. The basic plots are the same-- the couple that should have no chance of meeting or interacting happen to end up encountering one another and talking themselves into bed. Lots of dialogue, of course. Always lots of dialogue. Talking is always a key part of sex for me. And the dialogue is always polished up, always tweaked. 

In the ongoing films-in-my-head there's always a speech delivered by a particular, very tall, fashion model. She's explaining what's about to happen, explaining it to my character. Look, she says, this is a big city. Every night lots of people who are just totally random, who you'd never think could even be in the same places, happen to meet  and end up going home together. It's just odds. Sometimes the odds fall out one way.  I've worked on that speech a long time. Some things matter to me. That explanation for a meeting matters to me.

My mind works like that. I need explanations. I need to know how and why.

I also need to be able to find new fantasies. New things need to happen, characters need to change, characters need to dive into new experiences. I'm given to watching the same films or reading the same books over and over. I'll watch the same film scene over and over just for a particular moment, a particular emotional response. I need to try new things,  even if only inside my head. 

This goes to the issue of how people acquire kinks and fetishes, of how people acquire new desires. Not just new human objects-of-desire, but new stories and new story arcs and plots. 

I like the current films-in-my-head, I like the point of the story, and I like the fantasy girl rather a lot. But I don't want to be stuck forever in a loop. I want there to be new stories.  I want there to be new avenues for adventure, excitement, pleasure.

What I don't how is how to leverage that. I can list things-- activities, places, partners, games --I'm interested in, but those lists don't translate into scripts and scenes in my head. I'm not sure how to look at a description of a kink and then make it something of my own. 

What I need is some incentive to make changes, to try out new adventures.